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The Oscar winners have been announced. As expected, Slumdog Millionaire won all the major categories: Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Director for Danny Boyle. Sean Penn snatched Best Actor from Mickey Rourke, and Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor (big surprise…). The pick that made me mad was Kate Winslet for Best Actress. First, Meryl Streep deserved it. Second, The Reader is an awful movie and Kate Winslet portrays “a good Nazi.” That’s annoying in itself, and her performance isn’t that impressive: she came up with a reasonably good German accent, and she was naked during the entire first hour of the movie. I too can speak in a decent German accent with no clothes on; it doesn’t mean I deserve an Oscar.

To express my disappointment with the Academy for picking the naked Nazi, here are the top ten atrocities ever committed by the Academy decision makers:

10. The Academy ignores a group called Monty Python

Monty Python’s influence on comedy has often been compared to The Beatles’ influence on music. In their last film they even managed to explain the meaning of life. So why the hell weren’t they honored at the Oscars?

The Holy Grail (1975) melds the ridiculous with the sublime. This anachronistic social satire was an instant cult hit, generated a host of quotes, and even inspired a computer game 20 years later.

Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979) is a scathing send-up of religion and Hollywood’s depiction of it. This second - and tightest - feature film, directed by Terry Jones, does for ancient Rome what The Holy Grail did for the Middle Ages.

In The Meaning of Life (1983), the group explains it all in an episodic comedy that dares to take on the most “sacred” aspects of life - sex, food, politics and religion - and bring them hilariously down to earth.

9. Shakespeare in Love gets the Oscars, Saving Private Ryan loses

Saving Private Ryan did get Best Director, but the much inferior Shakespeare in Love got both Best Picture and Best Screenplay at the 1998 Oscars.

Director Steven Spielberg’s World War II tour de force chronicles the journey of a GI squad on a dangerous mission behind enemy lines. The first unforgettable 20 minutes of the movie realistically and horrifically depict the Normandy invasion as Captain John Miller (Tom Hanks), his second-in-command Sergeant Horvath (Tom Sizemore), and the others in the unit land at Omaha Beach. Saving Private Ryan is considered one of the best war movies ever made, while Shakespeare in Love is just another so-so period piece.

8. Kramer vs. Kramer gets the Oscars, Apocalypse Now loses

Kramer vs. Kramer is a well-observed adaptation of Avery Corman’s novel about the aftermath of a divorce. But to choose it over Apocalypse Now? The guys who made this decision in 1979 are nowhere to be found, probably in hiding.

The grueling production and Francis Ford Coppola’s insistence on authenticity led to vast budget overruns and physical and emotional breakdowns. It was all worth it: Apocalypse Now is a surreal masterpiece, another of the best war movies of all time. With incredible performances and beautifully chaotic visuals, it’s an absolute must-see.

7. Scarface doesn’t even earn a nomination for Best Picture

Terms of Endearment is a deeply observed drama about the intimate relationship between a mother and daughter, based on the novel by Larry McMurtry. This decent but unremarkable drama won all the major awards at the 1983 Oscars. Scarface, one of the most memorable and beloved gangster movies of all time, didn’t even get a nomination.

Brian De Palma’s gory saga of a Cuban immigrant’s rise to the top of Miami’s cocaine business has become something of a popular classic since its release. It’s been referenced in rap songs and subsequent gangster movies and quoted the world over. In one of his most memorable performances, Al Pacino stars as Tony Montana, whose intelligence, guts, and ambition help him skyrocket from dishwasher to the top of a criminal empire - but whose eventual paranoia and incestuous desire for his kid sister (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) prove his undoing.

6. Ridley Scott

1979: Alien, one of the best Sci-Fi movies ever, wasn’t nominated in any major category.

1982: Blade Runner, one of the most outstanding dystopian futuristic movies ever made, wasn’t nominated in any major category.

1992: With Thelma and Louise, Scott lost Best Director to The Silence of the Lambs, which is reasonable. But Thelma and Louise wasn’t even nominated for Best Picture.

2000: Gladiator got 5 awards including Best Picture, but Scott himself lost Best Director to Steven Soderbergh for Traffic.

2001: With Black Hawk Down, Scott lost again in the Director category, this time to Ron Howard and his uplifting, mad-genius tale A Beautiful Mind.

2007: American Gangster should have been nominated in a year when Michael Clayton and Atonement were.

Needless to say, the Academy isn’t big on Ridley Scott, and by now he’s not big on them. I foresee an Academy Honorary Award coming soon - I just hope he gets it while he’s still alive…

5. Orson Welles

Many consider Orson Welles the best director in the history of cinema, mainly thanks to two masterpieces. Citizen Kane (1941) is a landmark in cinema history and Touch of Evil (1958) is a near-perfect examination of the dark underbelly of society and the tragic downfall of a once-proud man. It’s amazing that Citizen Kane lost to How Green Was My Valley (John Ford), both for Best Picture and Best Director. Touch of Evil is worse: he wasn’t even nominated!. Welles was nominated as an actor for Citizen Kane (and lost), and once again ignored for Touch of Evil, although his portrayal of the racist Captain Hank Quinlan, a grotesque, troubled, and powerful figure, was absolutely brilliant.

4. Sergio Leone

This genius director never got the honor he deserved. The academy ignored him totally.

A Fistful of Dollars was the first true Spaghetti Western, and the first in Leone’s A Man with No Name trilogy, starring Clint Eastwood as the lone-wolf hero and a stunning score from Ennio Morricone. In The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, Leone used vivid Cinemascope imagery to depict a bleak and bloody American West, in this final installment of the trilogy. In Once Upon a Time in The West, Leone used techniques previously unseen in the genre. Close-ups, color, and Morricone’s trademark score create a tense and somber meditation on death, widely considered to be one of the best westerns in cinematic history.

Once Upon a Time in America, an epic crime saga that runs nearly four hours starring Robert De Niro, James Woods and Joe Pesci, gave the Academy a chance to compensate for their shameful disregard of Leone’s movies, but they failed to do so. Sadly, this great movie was the last one Leone directed before dying in 1989 at age 60 from a heart attack (and without a single Academy Award).

3. Martin Scorsese

It all started in 1976 when Rocky won and Taxi Driver lost. Then came the outrageous decision to choose Ordinary People over Raging Bull. Martin Scorsese probably thought  - That’s okay, they’ll make up for their bad decisions with an Oscar for The Last Temptation of Christ. Wrong. Scorsese lost again and Barry Levinson (Rain Man) was the happy winner. It seemed like Scorsese couldn’t possibly lose with Goodfellas against Dances with Wolves. Kevin Costner and the Academy were the only people in the world that thought differently. No Oscar yet…

Scorsese was becoming desperate, so he made Casino – a movie with De Niro, Pesci and Sharon Stone in her prime. The Academy wouldn’t have the guts to ignore such a movie, would they? Wrong again. Casino wasn’t even nominated. In 2002 and 2004 he was hopeful again with Gangs of New York and The Aviator, and of course he lost again and again.

When Scorsese lost all faith in the Academy and possibly also himself and mankind, 2006 arrived with nominations for The Departed, not one of his best movies. The guys at the Academy may be cold-hearted, but even they probably couldn’t bear Scorsese’s usual disappointed Oscar face, so they finally gave him the Oscar. Well-deserved, just not for the right movie.

2. Stanley Kubrick

None of Stanley Kubrick’s movies ever won Best Picture or Best Screenplay. He himself never got Best Director. May I remind you that we are talking about the genius who made -

Paths of Glory (one of the best war movies ever), Spartacus (an amazing epic), Dr. Strangelove (brilliant dark satire), 2001: A Space Odyssey (one of the best Sci-Fi movies ever), A Clockwork Orange (maybe the best movie ever), The Shining (one of the best horror movies) and Full Metal Jacket (also an outstanding war movie).

Is it because his movies never have a happy end? Is it because he himself is a misanthrope? It can’t be because he’s British: just ask Kate Winslet and Danny Boyle.

1. Alfred Hitchcock

Probably the greatest director of all time, Hitchcock was too controversial for the square, conservative, boring people in the Academy (or maybe they do have something against Brits – Scott, Kubrick and now Hitchcock). He was nominated for Best Director 5 times (for Rebecca, Lifeboat, Spellbound, Rear Window and Psycho), and lost all five.

Strangers on a Train – ignored. Dial M for Murder – ignored. The Man Who Knew too Much, Vertigo, and The Birds – all ignored in the major categories.

After all of these outrageous decisions, the studios have the nerve to complain about the Academy members for tending to choose indie or foreign winners over the big, popular mainstream studio productions. Ha…!

To end on a positive note, I say to all the suffering cinematic geniuses out there: take comfort in the fact that you will be recognized eventually, just probably after you die. …

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Breakdowns * Surreal * Masterpiece * Chaotic * Gangster * Gory Saga * Immigrant * Rise To The Top * Uplifting * Mad Genius * Landmark * Society * Downfall * Lone Wolf * Bleak * Epic * Betrayal * War Movie

Technorati Tags: Oscars, Academy Awards, Best Director, Best Picture, Slumdog Millionaire, Danny Boyle, Kate Winslet, The Reader, Hitchcock, Film, Movie

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Today, data-focused businesses separate between discovery (e.g. Google) and delivery (e.g. CNN).  I remember just a few years ago, delivery companies were still trying to build discovery features. But these were always second-rate, and over time they all adopted Google’s search widget.

Internet video is still too young for the management of delivery companies to work overtime and build a separate discovery empire. The usual claim is, “There is no good tool for us, so we have to do it in house.” From my days with Accenture and Oracle, I can say that the same goes for telecommunications and cable operators regarding “build versus buy” for software.

Netflix is a delivery company. Yet they have a $1 million competition for a discovery engine with 10% higher accuracy. The Netflix assumption: Discovery is too important not to control.

I predict that over time, Internet users will choose independent discovery tools to explore the universe of video content. And the growth of web-based content will force companies like Netflix to focus on their core business, which is negotiating the best content for the lowest price, and providing the best delivery mechanism.

Technorati Tags: Netflix, New York Times, Rotten Tomatoes

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With the Oscars only a few days away, it seems that the fight for Best Picture is down to Slumdog Millionaire and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Over the years there’ve been a lot of fascinating showdowns between acclaimed movies. Here are the ten biggest rivalries for the Best Picture award. The Academy has made some bad choices – but in their defense, some years it was absolutely impossible to decide…

10. 1999: The Green Mile vs. American Beauty

In other words: A guy with a special ability stuck in prison vs. a guy with a midlife crisis stuck in (suburban) prison

The Green Mile: Director Frank Darabont’s second adaptation of a Stephen King prison tale (the first being The Shawshank Redemption) is a charmer with a hint of the supernatural. It features uniformly excellent performances, notably Michael Clarke Duncan as Coffey; David Morse and Barry Pepper as Tom Hanks’s fellow prison guards; and Michael Jeter as condemned killer Edward Delacroix.

American Beauty: Considered a modern classic, this Sam Mendes flick tells the story of Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey), a suburban father who snaps when he becomes disgusted with his stale, repetitive existence.

And the Academy chose: American Beauty

Were they right? Yes, Mendes’s direction, combined with Ball’s writing and Spacey’s acting, were definitely Oscar-worthy (unlike their new collaboration, Revolutionary Road).

9. 1964: My Fair Lady vs. Dr. Strangelove vs. Mary Poppins

In other words: Classic vs. classic vs. classic

My Fair Lady has become one of the most popular musicals of all time. Based on George Bernard Shaw’s 1913 play Pygmalion, with Cecil Beaton’s lavish sets and costumes and Lerner and Loewe’s winning score. Director George Cukor’s striking mix of styles that range from the fantastic to the abstract in his telling of the tale of a waif who’s educated to become a lady.

Dr. Strangelove is Stanley Kubrick’s Cold War masterpiece. The film is set at the height of the tensions between Russia and the United States, when all it would take to destroy the world was one push of a button. It just may be the funniest, most poignant black comedy ever made, a vicious satire of the military and the Cold War.

Mary Poppins: A magical, musical nanny brings a breath of fresh air into the stuffy Banks household in turn-of-the-century England. This children’s fantasy is filled to the brim with wonderful dance numbers and outrageous songs (such as the seemingly unpronounceable “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”). The film’s seamless blending of live-action with animation was exceptional in its day.

And the Academy chose: My Fair Lady

Were they right? No, Mary Poppins should have gotten the Oscar. It’s the ultimate family movie.

8. 1977: Annie Hall vs. Star Wars

In other words: The thin and fluent Woody Allen vs. the fat and not so fluent Chewbacca

Often considered the peak of a prolific film career, Annie Hall marks the start of the second phase of Allen’s filmmaking career, abandoning the slapstick of Sleeper and Bananas for more thoughtful comedies (and eventually dramas) that explore human relationships and psychology.

Star Wars, George Lucas’s stunning sci-fi masterpiece, is arguably one of the most inventive and entertaining films ever made, garnering generations of loyal fans who keep the characters and dialogue alive. Star Wars revolutionized the cinematic world with its epic storytelling and amazing special effects. Even today, Lucas’s astonishing film leaves viewers wanting to see it again and again.

And the Academy chose: Annie Hall

Were they right? Close, but overall, Star Wars is groundbreaking, a cult classic, hugely successful with critics and the box office, and so should have been preferred over Annie Hall. But the Academy doesn’t dare give Best Picture to a light, entertaining sci-fi fantasy…

7. 1975: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest vs. Jaws

In other words: Jack Nicolson fights a shark

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, based on the novel by Ken Kesey and the play by Dale Wasserman, is a disturbing, witty, and electrifying drama, presenting a biting and ultimately tragic satire about mental institutions and the human spirit.

The Jaws film shoot was notoriously difficult for the young Steven Spielberg, who had directed only one feature film before Jaws. The mechanical shark seldom operated correctly, and Spielberg was frequently forced to create the idea of terror without actually showing the shark. But the film became one of the highest-grossing of all time - surpassing The Godfather as the first to gross more than $100 million.

And the Academy chose: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Were they right? Yes. While Jaws is one of the best suspense movies, time proved the Academy was right. Jaws now seems a bit dated, while One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest has timeless dramatic quality. Plus it’s one of Jack Nicolson’s best performances, if not the best of all.

6. 1941: Citizen Kane vs. The Maltese Falcon vs. How Green Was My Valley

In other words: Orson Wells vs. John Huston vs. John Ford

Citizen Kane is Orson Welles’s greatest achievement - and a landmark in cinema history. Every aspect of the production marked an advance in film language: the deep focus and deeply shadowed cinematography; the discontinuous narrative, relying heavily on flashbacks and newsreel footage; the innovative use of sound and score; and the ensemble acting forged in the fires of Welles’s Mercury Theatre. The film is essential viewing, quite possibly the greatest film ever made.

John Huston’s brilliant directorial debut, The Maltese Falcon, is aided by first-rate performances, excellent camera work, as well as the director’s acute attention to detail while shooting the film. Based on the crime novel by Dashiell Hammett, some consider it to be the best film noir ever made.

Possibly the most moving film of John Ford’s career, How Green Was My Valley is based on Richard Llewellyn’s nostalgic novel. It could hardly have found a better director than Ford, who had an affinity for family and community themes. While the acting and writing are excellent, Ford’s brilliantly chosen groupings and compositions are the most expressive elements.

And the Academy chose: How Green Was My Valley

Were they right? No. Both Citizen Kane and The Maltese Falcon are much more remembered and talked-about movies than How Green Was My Valley.

5. 1974: The Godfather 2 vs. The Conversation vs. Chinatown

In other words: Coppola and De Niro vs. Coppola and Hackman vs. Polanski and Nicholson

The Godfather 2 is one of the only major sequels ever made that might just surpass the original. Francis Ford Coppola, Al Pacino and Robert De Niro were at their very best. Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, Talia Shire and John Cazale reprised their roles from The Godfather, playing the people forced to watch the new Godfather’s moral destruction. Robert De Niro, speaking in Italian, captures the mannerisms of Marlon Brando’s Vito Corleone from the first film brilliantly.

The Conversation is a towering achievement, a masterfully constructed portrait of one man’s descent into madness. Gene Hackman delivers a devastating performance as Harry Caul, a surveillance expert who gets paid to invade the privacy of strangers. He’s one of cinema’s most unforgettable characters, a man who appears to be in control on the outside but is crumbling on the inside.

Chinatown is director Roman Polanski’s classic neo-noir detective story. Set during a heat wave in 1930s Los Angeles, intrigue and adventure culminate in life-changing moments for the protagonist, Jake Gittes (Jack Nicholson). With an excellent score by composer Jerry Goldsmith and a script by Robert Towne that recalls the hard-boiled cynicism of Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett, Chinatown is a complex and superbly crafted period drama that has become Polanski’s most critically acclaimed film.

And the Academy chose: The Godfather 2

Were they right? Yes. Timing is everything, and The Conversation and Chinatown couldn’t have chosen a worse year to be made. You can’t match The Godfather 2. At least Coppola lost to himself.

4. 1982: E.T.: The Extra-Terrstrial vs. Gandhi

In other words: The benign alien vs. the benign leader

E.T: The Extra-Terrestrial is Steven Spielberg’s warmhearted classic delight for both children and adults. The movie was originally to be based on a story idea by director John Sayles, but after he removed himself from the project, screenwriter Melissa Mathison took over the script and made it her own. John Williams beautiful soundtrack became forever linked to E.T.

The epic, acclaimed dramatization of the life of Mohandas “Mahatma” Gandhi starts from his days as a South African-educated lawyer, and continues to his historic struggle to free India from British Colonial rule. With a large, distinguished cast, headlined by Ben Kingsley in a nuanced performance, Sir Richard Attenborough’s biopic is a classic of the genre.

And the Academy chose: Gandhi

Were they right? It’s a tough call. Both E.T and Gandhi are in their own way peaceful and lovable characters. Maybe the Academy chose the more realistic of the two. Or maybe it’s just another example of the Academy’s inability to honor a light, entertaining, fantasy.

3. 1980: Raging Bull vs. The Elephant Man vs. Ordinary People

In other words: The temperamental boxer vs. the deformed misfit vs. the dysfunctional family

Raging Bull: Shot in crisp black-and-white, Martin Scorsese’s story of middleweight boxer Jake La Motta is played with incredible intensity by Oscar-winner Robert De Niro - delivering  one of the screen’s most unforgettable performances as the out-of-control fighter. Joe Pesci is just as intense as Joey, who finally realizes that he is unable to tame his animalistic brother. Cinematographer Michael Chapman shot the film with a stylish flair that fills the boxing scenes with boundless energy and adds immediacy to the arguments that erupt whenever Jake is outside the ring. Simply put, Raging Bull is one of American cinema’s masterworks.

The Elephant Man: David Lynch’s black-and-white contribution (were they out of color in 1980?) brings his own dreamlike style to the heartbreaking yet somehow uplifting story of John Merrick (John Hurt), a hideously deformed individual dubbed the Elephant Man. This seamless blend of art and entertainment earned eight Academy Award nominations. Freddie Francis’s breathtaking cinematography combines with John Morris’s score to re-create Victorian England with haunting beauty. But is the compassionate performances of Hurt and Anthony Hopkins that lift The Elephant Man emotionally, bringing an inspired sadness to Lynch’s striking vision.

Ordinary People: Robert Redford’s directorial debut is a classic portrait of family life in the face of tragedy. Based on the novel by Judith Guest, the film features the debuts of Timothy Hutton and Elizabeth McGovern as well as breakthrough performances from Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland.

And the Academy chose: Ordinary People

Were they right? Were they on drugs? Ordinary People is a good movie, but it’s audacious to compare it to two cinematic giants: Raging Bull (possibly Scorsese’s finest), and The Elephant Man (possibly Lynch’s finest). Maybe the academy couldn’t decide between the two fantastic movies, so they gave the Oscar to a third party: two fight and the third one wins. Or maybe it’s the inability of the Academy to honor dark Scorsese masterpieces. This was the second (and not last) time they did it…

2. 1976: Rocky vs. Taxi Driver

In other words: “Yo, Adrian!” “You talkin’ to me?”

Director John G. Avildsen’s Rocky is the stand-up-and-cheer saga of Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone), an underdog boxer who gets his million-to-one shot at love, self-respect, and the world heavyweight title. Shot with gritty realism on the mean streets of Philadelphia, Rocky introduced a new American cinematic hero, spurred on by rollicking action sequences and a rousing soundtrack. A triumph for star and screenwriter Stallone, who himself came from nowhere to reach the top, Rocky is crowd-pleasing entertainment at its finest.

Taxi Driver: Martin Scorsese’s intense film, a hallmark of 1970s filmmaking, graphically depicts the tragic consequences of urban alienation when a New York City taxi driver goes on a murderous rampage against the pitiful denizens of the city’s underbelly. Scorsese fills Paul Schrader’s screenplay with a tragic realism, brilliantly capturing the muck and grime of New York City. Robert De Niro, playing the fragile hero, steps so deep inside his role that the results are deeply frightening. Bernard Herrmann’s haunting score - which turned out to be his last - completes the urban nightmare.

And the Academy chose: Rocky

Were they right? So this is where the Academy started the tradition of not honoring dark masterpieces by Scorsese, in this case choosing the feel-good urban ghetto flick. But in this case, for most movie lovers choosing between the acclaimed Taxi Driver and the beloved Rocky is like choosing between your mother and your father. You can’t do it. The Academy had to choose. I won’t.

1. 1994: Forrest Gump vs. The Shawshank Redemption vs. Pulp Fiction

In other words: “Life was like a box of chocolates” vs. “Only guilty man in Shawshank” vs. “Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast”

In Forrest Gump, the title character leads viewers through an accidental travelogue of American social history from the early 1960s through the present. Vietnam, desegregation, Watergate and more are presented from the perspective of Tom Hanks‘ lovably slow-witted character as he finds himself embroiled in situations he can’t quite comprehend.

The beautifully crafted The Shawshank Redemption features touching and sincere performances from the entire cast, with an uplifting message about  indomitable spirits and the redemptive value of hope. Based on the novella Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption by Stephen King, Frank Darabont’s intriguing adaptation is easily one of the finest films of the 1990s, if not ever.

Pulp Fiction is a funny, violent, tongue-in-cheek tribute to the less “classic” side of filmmaking - the potboilers and capers, blaxploitation and gangsters. The film interweaves three tales, told in a circular, fractured manner, which only fully connect as the final credits roll. Quentin Tarantino wears his cinematic influences proudly.  The all-star cast steps into their roles with obvious glee, and Tarantino once again uses his soundtrack to up the “cool” ante yet another notch.

And the Academy chose: Forrest Gump

Were they right? Three fantastic movies, it’s difficult for me to decide which one I like best, but the people have spoken and The Shawshank Redemption ranks #1 on IMDb’s top 250. To say that you don’t like it is like saying you don’t like chocolate, puppies and breathing. The Academy missed its timeless effect and yet again chose a light, sweet and sweeping Americana tale.

So in few days the Academy will choose again. Those of you who read my previous Oscar post know how much I like Benjamin Button, so I hope the Academy will make the right decision, and the superior Slumdog Millionaire will hit the jackpot.

Technorati Tags: Oscars, Academy Awards, Slumdog Millionaire, Benjamin Button

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It’s Valentine’s Day once again, and the fate of millions of relationships will be decided - as millions of males are put to a decisive and tricky feminine test that only some will pass. So to all my brothers out there, here’s a quiz to help you understand the basics of relationships, women and love. Score well and you’ll be a Master of Love…

10. What’s the best date flick?

1. Knocked Up (2007) Chill, unexpected pregnancy with the wrong guy is not the end of the world. We’ll work it out. Pass me the joint, por favor.

2. Pretty Woman (1990) A hooker and a rich man fall in love. It’s such well-made kitsch that I don’t mind being the rich man or the hooker.

3. Gone With the Wind (1939) Almost 4 hours of the classiest ever larger-than-life love affair. The unforgettable lines, the actors, the settings. Ahhhh…

9. What’s the best battle of the sexes flick?

1. In the Company of Men (1997) Why is it that when women use and dump men it’s feminism, but when men do it they are chauvinist pigs? Why do men always lose in this battle?

2. When Harry Met Sally… (1989) Neither side is perfect. They show us that we don’t have to see everything eye-to-eye. We can still make it work (somehow…).

3. Sex and the City (2008) It’s all about girl power! Men are pigs and women are sexy even if they sleep around, fart and burp… No?

8. What’s the best feminist movie?

1. Chasing Amy (1997) Ben Affleck tries to convert a lesbian in a Kevin Smith movie. Whether he succeeds or fails, it’s a win-win! Who said feminist movies are a bitch…?

2. Erin Brockovich (2000) Julia rocks! She fights the system and shows all those condescending male lawyers (and masculine female lawyers) how to get the job done. And she isn’t ashamed to use (instead of burn) her (push-up) bra while doing it.

3. Thelma & Louise (1991) Now this women-bonding flick is way better than those shallow male bonding movies. I just don’t understand why the director couldn’t let them enjoy their freedom and had to kill them at the end.

7. What would you do for sex?

1. Hitch (2005) Hire a Date Doctor. He won’t change me into someone I’m not, just help express the real me. Plus it’s very trendy and nobody needs to know about it.

2. Une Liaison Pornographique (1995) Be honest and open. Look for someone who just wants sex, like me, no unnecessary talk or distraction. They say it works in France…

3. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) Remove my chest hair with hot wax, no anesthesia.

6. What would you do for love?

1. Knocked Up (2007) Watch my favorite porn together.

2. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) Forget about sex, just removing the hair was too painful.

3. Groundhog Day (1993) Get to know every little thing about her. It’s not obsessive to relive the same moment over and over again, this way I’ll know her perfectly.

5. What is true love?

1. Indecent Proposal (1993) I love her so much that in order for her to live the way she’s used to, I’ll agree to her having a one-night-stand with a rich snob for a million dollars.

2. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) If it’s true love, it’s worth pursuing: even if it involves tragedy and pain, and seems unreachable at times. Let’s hope it will end in song, dance, and a million dollars (this time honestly gained…).

3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008) True love means to love and be together, no mater what. Even if, as far-fetched as it may sound, your loved one is in a reverse-aging process. One way or the other, it will end up with changing diapers, no?

4. What is an impossible love?

1. Talk to Her (2002) So she’s a vegetable. If it doesn’t bother her, it certainly doesn’t bother me…

2. Ghost (1990) Sometimes you just have to let go. But you can keep on caring for her well being and safety.

3. Splash (1984) So she’s a mermaid, no big deal, we’ll take some oxygen tanks and live in Atlantis. Nothing is impossible.

3. Who’s the perfect husband?

1. Click (2006) Who needs to hear her bitching? I can skip the tough parts.

2. When a Man Loves a Woman (1994) Because a guy needs to be supportive even in hard times. But she’d better not take advantage of it. Even true love has its limits.

3. Multiplicity (1996) Selflessness at its most extreme. I will do anything, and I mean anything, just to keep her satisfied. Me too.

2. Who’s the perfect wife?

1. The Stepford Wives (1975) This is what I call ideal relationship and life! (At least until their programming went wrong).

2. Helen Hunt in Mad About You (1992-1999) She’s cute and upsetting, she’s supportive and argumentative, she’s assertive and sensitive, she’s careerist and homey, she can drive you mad, and she’s mad about you. I’ll take this mix any time.

3. Emily Watson in Breaking the Waves (1996) The height of loyalty and devotion. A woman who will do anything for you, with no questions, doubts or hesitations.

1. What’s the best onscreen love story?

1. Titanic (1997) What a great story! The special effects, the drowning scene. Isn’t it amazing they built an almost 1:1 scale model ship just for this production? This James Cameron guy is just wonderful.

2. Notting Hill (1999) This is the modern fairytale at its best. Even movie starlets can fall for ordinary, clumsy, loser-ish guys.

3. Brokeback Mountain (2005) Let’s see: “In this deep, emotional tale of self discovery, two rough characters connect and find their true feelings, despite the prejudice of their conservative era”. Sounds great dear. What did you say? It’s about two gay cowboys? Eh… hmm, even better.

Check your score: Answer #1 = 1 point. #2 = 2 points. #3 = 3 points. (See, we didn’t want to confuse you with complicated math on top of the demands of Valentine’s Day.)

1 – 12 points: If you keep seeing Knocked Up and Harold and Kumar style movies and living the frat life, then my advice to you is not to break the lease on the apartment you and your stoner roomies rent. Try some basic rehab in the form of movies like Juno, Waitress and Fried Green Tomatoes.

13 - 22 points: You’re almost one of a kind. We guess you were raised on Boys Don’t Cry, What Women Want, Lovely and Amazing, and such. It’s almost too good to be true. Are you sure about your manhood?

23 - 30 points: Hello? Are you suffering from the Zelig syndrome? Do you have any masculinity left?? If she wanted to live with a woman, she would. Try balancing things a bit by watching some other Woody Allen films like Annie Hall, and light fare like Wedding Crashers, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, etc.

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