It’s Valentine’s Day once again, and the fate of millions of relationships will be decided - as millions of males are put to a decisive and tricky feminine test that only some will pass. So to all my brothers out there, here’s a quiz to help you understand the basics of relationships, women and love. Score well and you’ll be a Master of Love…

10. What’s the best date flick?

1. Knocked Up (2007) Chill, unexpected pregnancy with the wrong guy is not the end of the world. We’ll work it out. Pass me the joint, por favor.

2. Pretty Woman (1990) A hooker and a rich man fall in love. It’s such well-made kitsch that I don’t mind being the rich man or the hooker.

3. Gone With the Wind (1939) Almost 4 hours of the classiest ever larger-than-life love affair. The unforgettable lines, the actors, the settings. Ahhhh…

9. What’s the best battle of the sexes flick?

1. In the Company of Men (1997) Why is it that when women use and dump men it’s feminism, but when men do it they are chauvinist pigs? Why do men always lose in this battle?

2. When Harry Met Sally… (1989) Neither side is perfect. They show us that we don’t have to see everything eye-to-eye. We can still make it work (somehow…).

3. Sex and the City (2008) It’s all about girl power! Men are pigs and women are sexy even if they sleep around, fart and burp… No?

8. What’s the best feminist movie?

1. Chasing Amy (1997) Ben Affleck tries to convert a lesbian in a Kevin Smith movie. Whether he succeeds or fails, it’s a win-win! Who said feminist movies are a bitch…?

2. Erin Brockovich (2000) Julia rocks! She fights the system and shows all those condescending male lawyers (and masculine female lawyers) how to get the job done. And she isn’t ashamed to use (instead of burn) her (push-up) bra while doing it.

3. Thelma & Louise (1991) Now this women-bonding flick is way better than those shallow male bonding movies. I just don’t understand why the director couldn’t let them enjoy their freedom and had to kill them at the end.

7. What would you do for sex?

1. Hitch (2005) Hire a Date Doctor. He won’t change me into someone I’m not, just help express the real me. Plus it’s very trendy and nobody needs to know about it.

2. Une Liaison Pornographique (1995) Be honest and open. Look for someone who just wants sex, like me, no unnecessary talk or distraction. They say it works in France…

3. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) Remove my chest hair with hot wax, no anesthesia.

6. What would you do for love?

1. Knocked Up (2007) Watch my favorite porn together.

2. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) Forget about sex, just removing the hair was too painful.

3. Groundhog Day (1993) Get to know every little thing about her. It’s not obsessive to relive the same moment over and over again, this way I’ll know her perfectly.

5. What is true love?

1. Indecent Proposal (1993) I love her so much that in order for her to live the way she’s used to, I’ll agree to her having a one-night-stand with a rich snob for a million dollars.

2. Slumdog Millionaire (2008) If it’s true love, it’s worth pursuing: even if it involves tragedy and pain, and seems unreachable at times. Let’s hope it will end in song, dance, and a million dollars (this time honestly gained…).

3. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008) True love means to love and be together, no mater what. Even if, as far-fetched as it may sound, your loved one is in a reverse-aging process. One way or the other, it will end up with changing diapers, no?

4. What is an impossible love?

1. Talk to Her (2002) So she’s a vegetable. If it doesn’t bother her, it certainly doesn’t bother me…

2. Ghost (1990) Sometimes you just have to let go. But you can keep on caring for her well being and safety.

3. Splash (1984) So she’s a mermaid, no big deal, we’ll take some oxygen tanks and live in Atlantis. Nothing is impossible.

3. Who’s the perfect husband?

1. Click (2006) Who needs to hear her bitching? I can skip the tough parts.

2. When a Man Loves a Woman (1994) Because a guy needs to be supportive even in hard times. But she’d better not take advantage of it. Even true love has its limits.

3. Multiplicity (1996) Selflessness at its most extreme. I will do anything, and I mean anything, just to keep her satisfied. Me too.

2. Who’s the perfect wife?

1. The Stepford Wives (1975) This is what I call ideal relationship and life! (At least until their programming went wrong).

2. Helen Hunt in Mad About You (1992-1999) She’s cute and upsetting, she’s supportive and argumentative, she’s assertive and sensitive, she’s careerist and homey, she can drive you mad, and she’s mad about you. I’ll take this mix any time.

3. Emily Watson in Breaking the Waves (1996) The height of loyalty and devotion. A woman who will do anything for you, with no questions, doubts or hesitations.

1. What’s the best onscreen love story?

1. Titanic (1997) What a great story! The special effects, the drowning scene. Isn’t it amazing they built an almost 1:1 scale model ship just for this production? This James Cameron guy is just wonderful.

2. Notting Hill (1999) This is the modern fairytale at its best. Even movie starlets can fall for ordinary, clumsy, loser-ish guys.

3. Brokeback Mountain (2005) Let’s see: “In this deep, emotional tale of self discovery, two rough characters connect and find their true feelings, despite the prejudice of their conservative era”. Sounds great dear. What did you say? It’s about two gay cowboys? Eh… hmm, even better.

Check your score: Answer #1 = 1 point. #2 = 2 points. #3 = 3 points. (See, we didn’t want to confuse you with complicated math on top of the demands of Valentine’s Day.)

1 – 12 points: If you keep seeing Knocked Up and Harold and Kumar style movies and living the frat life, then my advice to you is not to break the lease on the apartment you and your stoner roomies rent. Try some basic rehab in the form of movies like Juno, Waitress and Fried Green Tomatoes.

13 - 22 points: You’re almost one of a kind. We guess you were raised on Boys Don’t Cry, What Women Want, Lovely and Amazing, and such. It’s almost too good to be true. Are you sure about your manhood?

23 - 30 points: Hello? Are you suffering from the Zelig syndrome? Do you have any masculinity left?? If she wanted to live with a woman, she would. Try balancing things a bit by watching some other Woody Allen films like Annie Hall, and light fare like Wedding Crashers, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, etc.

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