Jack Gamble AKA Man Overboard is a nuclear systems engineer by day and renegade geek by night. He blogs loudly at www.babeled.com.
I am a Star Wars fan. Face it Trekkers, we’ve had our differences over the years. But I feel a moral obligation to warn you of an impending disaster. I cannot sit idly by as yet another travesty of a prequel decimates an established science fiction storyline. And so I have traveled across the cosmos from my home planet of Babeled to bring fair warning of yet another science fiction prequel destined for failure.
As a diehard fan of the original Star Wars trilogy, one can only venture a guess as to the suffering I endured at the hands of George Lucas and his unrelenting campaign of sub par storyline, excess CGI, and unbridled merchandising. I have no desire to see my Trekker brethren succumb to the same onslaught.
So get out your duct tape and plastic. Stock up on canned goods and bottled water. Replace your power couplings and raise shields. Above all, heed my advice. Follow these 12 easy steps to survive disaster; from one sci fi geek to another:
1. Keep your standards low. You’ve been spoiled all these years. Face it, nothing on the screen will satisfy the expectations you’ve set. Try this: go into the movie expecting a flop. This way you won’t be disappointed. Who knows, the movie might surprise you.
2. Forget the story and focus on the minute details. After I had accepted defeat in the Star Wars prequels, I began to take amusement elsewhere. For me, the phrase “I have a bad feeling about this” which appears in every Star Wars movie at least gave me a brief chuckle. For the Trekkers, try picking out the next random nondescript ensign on the away team that is sure to meet an early demise.
3. Ignore any and all floppy eared, grammatically challenged, clumsy aliens that are clearly a pathetic attempt at mass merchandising only to fail miserably and be forced into early retirement with only brief cameos in subsequent films. No loyal fan should be made to suffer such blasphemy.
4. DVDs: After the initial shock of the cinematic catastrophe wears off, take refuge in the delight of your tried and true DVD collection. The Wrath of Kahn, First Contact, and even the stupid whale movie are sure to cheer you up.
5. Go back in time and kill the director. I mean come on. If there is one thing that happens over and over again in Star Trek it is temporal anomalies. Surely you’ve learned something by now. Pull a slingshot around the sun or bounce off a worm hole at warp 10 and correct this potential mistake.
6. Find something that doesn’t belong. We all know the Nebula Class Starship didn’t enter service for another 300 years. Prove your geeky mastery of the story and be the first to spot the ship in the lower left corner at 1:48:15 into the movie (I made that up).
7. Don’t act surprised when a cheaply written time travel plot twist occurs. Come now, this is Star Trek after all. You can’t honestly tell me you were expecting the writers to ignore their favorite crutch.
8. Do not go to the movie dressed as a Klingon. The only thing that could make a terrible science fiction movie experience worse is the sight of a teary eyed Klingon with runny makeup.
9. Don’t be upset by seemingly advanced technology in a prequel. I can’t tell you how annoyed I was when people told me The Phantom Menace should not have featured Darth Maul’s double-bladed light saber because it appeared to be “more advanced.” The new Trek movie is a modern take on a 40-year-old series. Unless you want to see 1966 special effects, I would not dwell on this issue.
10. Cut Spock some emotional slack. Remember he is half human. I would expect to see a young Spock accidentally demonstrate some emotional weakness because he has not yet learned to control his latent human emotions. Even pureblooded Vulcans are not entirely devoid of emotion. It took the civilization ages to develop their pragmatic outlook on life. Some leniency is in order and certainly not outside the confines of the existing storyline.
11. Remember, it could be worse. At the very least I would not expect the writers of this movie to attempt to make some kind of off the wall geopolitical message about saving the whales. Nor would I expect Spock’s half-Clinton brother to show up and start feeling everybody’s pain.
12. Resistance is futile. Admit it. No matter how much this movie might suck, you will buy the DVD and watch it another 100 times until you have memorized every bit of poorly written dialogue.
Images used in post published under the CC license
On Jinni, we index fight movies as vengeance, violence spree and/or martial arts. That sounds subtle, but the movie premise usually isn’t: the hero beats people up, using only (well, mostly) his fists and legs. Usually the people he beats up are the bad guys, and most likely they murdered his wife or slaughtered his pet mouse. These movies won’t give you food for discussion with your intellectual friends. That’s okay, though, because 1. if you like this type of movie, you probably don’t have intellectual friends, and 2. all intellectuals live in Europe anyway. What they will give you is 90 minutes of trashy fun.
Before reading this roundup of our favorite fighters, you have to ask yourself: Which do you prefer, 1. a Bergman or Antonioni film where nothing happens but you actually learn a lot about life, death, God, everything and nothing – or 2. a Sonny Chiba movie where he kicks people to a cool soundtrack? If the answer to this question is 2, please read on. If not, please go back to whatever boring intellectual thing you were doing before.
P.S: Bergman and Antonioni are cool too (in their own way…).
In a story that recalls the real-life history of Mike Tyson and Desiree Washington, Undisputed tells the story of a champion boxer (Ving Rhames) who is sent to prison on rape charges. There, he goes up against the top boxer (Wesley Snipes) in an in-prison competition. The fight creates real buzz, and people from all over the world start placing bets…
In this sequel to Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior (2003), director Prachya Pinkaew returns to tell an action-packed story about a missing elephant that turns up in Australia. But it’s not just any elephant, it’s Tony Jaa’s elephant. Now he’s going to Australia to take back his elephant and make those who stole it regret it. Jaa also choreographed the fights.
This unusual combination of bare-knuckle fighting and lighthearted fun was also a crossover for Clint Eastwood - from gunfighting to fistfighting. Eastwood plays trucker Philo Beddoe, a devoted brawler who lives in a shack with his best pal’s feisty, elderly mother (Ruth Gordon) and an orangutan, Clyde, who sips beer and thumbs his nose at authority. Philo is preparing for a fight, against the wishes of his mother and his new love interest (Sondra Locke). As if clashing with the women in his life weren’t enough, he also has to deal with his cocky opponent, gamblers, and a chopper gang who constantly harass him. This bizarre comedy was a surprise hit and spawned a sequel featuring many of the original cast.
In this very loud thriller, in which he drives fast and beat people up, Statham plays Frank Martin, a former Special Forces operative who is now a high-priced courier, earning a lot of money to deliver packages he would rather know nothing about. His creed: Never change the deal, use no names, and never look in the package. But when he finds out that his latest delivery is a beautiful young woman (Shu Qi), everything changes… and he is off on a wild chase in his custom-made BMW that includes plenty of explosions, bare-knuckle fighting, cool weaponry, and tongue-in-cheek humor.
Can you believe that a Steven Seagal movie was nominated for two Academy Awards? Well, this one was, for best effects and best sound. Seagal might consider himself unlucky: if not for Al Pacino’s amazing performance that year in Scent of a Woman he might have won the Oscar for his stellar performance here. When a Navy ship carrying nuclear warheads is hijacked by terrorists, the fate of the world depends on the ship’s cook - who just happens to be a Special Forces martial arts and weapons expert!
Drunken Master (1978)
This is definitely one of Chan’s best and funniest movies. He plays teenage Wong Fei Hung, the son of a martial arts teacher who would rather clown around than learn kung fu. When one of his pranks injures the son of a powerful man, his father calls in a sadistic uncle to teach him some self-discipline. The uncle specializes in a bizarre form of kung fu known as the “Drunken Boxer,” and after losing a fight with a local assassin who has been hired to kill his father, Fei Hung realizes that it may be worth learning. This martial arts classic was the second collaboration between Chan and director Yuen Woo Ping, fight choreographer for The Matrix and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Hard Times (1975)
What a renaissance man: adept with both handguns and fistfights. But Bronson’s Death Wish (1974) character is a total geek next to his character in Hard Times. It’s the story of a bare-knuckle streetfighter who drifts into Depression-era New Orleans and hooks up with a small-time gambler. The gambler takes over the boxer’s career, arranging illegal fights and involving him in a scheme to cheat some gangsters. Director Walter Hill’s eye for atmosphere combined with Bronson’s best tough-guy role is a winning combination.
Jean-Claude Van Damme was never better: This classic of the martial arts genre is based on the true life story of Frank Dux, set in Hong Kong during a secret competition that settles the world championship in mixed martial arts…
Most of us know Sonny Chiba as Hattori Hanzo in Kill Bill, but he started his career with the Street Fighter films that made him a huge star in 70s Japan. As in most of his movies, Karate master Sonny Chiba skillfully creates a character known as rebel in the crime world of Japan. In The Street Fighter, he plays the role of the cult-classic martial arts legend Terry Tsuguri, taking on opponents with deadly streetfighter tactics. Hired by the Mafia and the Yakuza, Terry is instructed to kidnap the heiress to a large fortune. But when they can’t pay him, he chooses to join the other side. This movie and its sequels are truly great gory martial arts movies.
Bruce Lee was immortalized in his films as a martial arts master and first-class entertainer. Enter The Dragon was the first martial arts film encountered by American audiences, and was actually produced in both Hong Kong and Hollywood. Interestingly, Enter The Dragon also set the stage for non-traditional, culturally specific narratives to make their way into Hollywood. Bruce Lee plays a kung fu master (and not a lawyer as you might expect…) recruited by a foreign government to infiltrate the island of a megalomaniac martial artist named Han. Han’s bodyguard is also found to have killed Lee’s sister, giving Lee a personal vendetta to fight for, and a strong script excuse to let Bruce Lee kick a lot of people many times. The Hall of Mirrors sequence towards the end of the film is now famous, as are Lee’s incredibly gymnastic martial arts abilities. This trend-setting film holds up as an entertaining, engaging action movie more than 30 years later.
Now that you’re hooked and obviously want to broaden your interest beyond these classics, try watching the following: The rest of Van-Damme’s masterpieces, all of Steven “They-killed-my-wife/partner/kid/environment-now-I-will-get-revenge” Seagal’s movies, the Karate Kid series for some coming-of-age added value, Green Street Hooligans and Football Factory for the sport themed fights, and the Jet Lee movies (beware of martial arts overdose). And if you manage it all, let us know so we can worship you.
(Disclaimer: this post isn’t, and shouldn’t be considered encouragement or motivation for violent conduct of any kind, or toward any person, no matter which professions were addressed to your mother or regardless of any gender implications referred towards you).
Why Transformers will beat Terminator, Will Ferrell will beat Quentin Tarantino, and Harry Potter will trounce them all…
It’s time to put your brains in the freezer and prepare your stomachs for a popcorn overdose. We’re looking forward to a season of hilarious comedies, dazzling action flicks and exciting animation… Or are we?
As in previous years, sequels and remakes constitute the majority of this summer’s blockbusters. 2006-7 hits like Transformers and Night at the Museum are getting another shot at the box office, alongside series like Harry Potter, Star Trek and Terminator. Even so-called original fare like Pixar’s Up and Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno can be seen as variations on tried-and-true formulas. But let’s admit it: We like this season, we like the sequels/remakes trend, and each of us is waiting anxiously for something…
So who will be the winners of summer 2009? Check out our bets… and let us know yours! (Estimates are for worldwide box office.) And remember, what more cost-effective entertainment do we have these days anyway? For all we know, the recession is a Hollywood conspiracy.
15. June 19: Year One
One of the few movies in this list that’s not a remake or sequel. Then again, it’s produced by Hollywood’s current cash cow Judd Apatow and stars Michael Cera and Jack Black. Sound familiar…? The duo costar as hunter-gatherers in ancient times. The movie follows no logical timeline, jumping from Adam and Eve to the Sacrifice of Isaac. According to the trailer, the focus is not on depicting biblical events, but rather on Cera’s awkwardness as he tries to get the girl and Black’s attempt to prove himself to his tribesmen. A sort of prehistoric Superbad (2007), which looks to me like a lot of laughs.
Box office estimate: $200 million. Cera and Black are golden, and Apatow still has the magic touch. Cera looks like he’s reprising his roles in Juno (2007) and Superbad, and I guess it will be a big draw for teenage and twentysomething fans.
14. July 10: Bruno
As I see it, Sacha Baron Cohen is one of the comic geniuses of our time. In his previous feature Borat (2006), he took the supposedly inferior genre of pranks and raised it to new comic heights while also slipping in some social and cultural messages.
This time, Cohen takes another one of his eccentric characters on a journey across the western world. Bruno is a flamboyantly gay fashion reporter. Based on the trailer, it looks like some staged material is combined with the kind of real-life pranks that Borat featured. Will audiences embrace this movie like they did Borat, or will it turn out to be a one-trick-pony…?
Box office estimate: $200 million. I predict this will be slightly less successful than Borat, but still quite profitable, as many are waiting to see what Sacha Baron Cohen gets up to next.
So with the names attached, it’s trivial to mention the plot, no?
Box office estimate: $200 million. This might not seem like a lot compared to others films on this list, but it’s actually great for a comedy that doesn’t include sci-fi or fantasy elements.
12. May 1: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
The fourth installment of the successful X-Men franchise explores the origins of one of its most beloved and complex characters, Wolverine. With this prequel, the producers hope to regain the audience interest lost after the third X-Men sequel, The Last Stand (2006), was a major disappointment among fans and critics. At first Wolverine generated positive buzz among series fans and blockbuster-special-effects lovers alike. But the creators disagreed over the movie’s look and feel: Should it be bleak à la Dark Knight? Or PG-13 for a wider audience? The controversy grew when an illegal and incomplete copy circulated online. The general feeling of disappointment lowered the hype…
Box office estimate: $250 million. It’s hard to predict a film’s quality based on an incomplete copy, so I believe most real X-Men fans will go see the movie despite the negative buzz. But the illegal copy fiasco will keep some viewers away from cinemas, so I predict Wolverine will earn less than any of its 3 predecessors.
11. August 21: Inglourious Basterds
A new Quentin Tarantino flick! Need I say more? Movie buffs all over are already talking about this one, creating buzz half a year and more before its release. Remember, though, that Tarantino’s buzz hasn’t always translated into cold hard cash. Kill Bill 1 and 2 were relatively very successful (over $150 million each), but Grindhouse was a failure and lost money.
Hopefully Inglorious Basterds will be more like Kill Bill. It has an amazing cast, including Brad Pitt, Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Kruger, Mike Myers and Eli Roth. The story is a weird yet fascinating combination of World War 2 and Spaghetti Westerns. The built-in controversy from using WW2 as the backdrop for such a film could also increase public interest.
Box office estimate: $250 million. That is, Tarantino’s most successful film after Pulp Fiction (1994).
10. May 15: Angels and Demons
Angels and Demons is a prequel to the hugely successful Da Vinci Code (2006), which grossed over $700 million worldwide. This is due to the novel’s popularity - most people agree the film is mediocre at best.
Theoretically, the prequel should not earn less than its predecessor. Angels and Demons was also a bestselling novel, and most of the first film’s cast and crew are returning (notably Tom Hanks and Ron Howard).
But I put my faith in the human spirit by saying I think this movie will not do as well. I want to believe that the people who saw The Da Vinci Code thought it was bad enough to skip the prequel. One thing that supports my prediction: This time the church and the Vatican hardly mentioned the film and so didn’t create the level of controversy the previous film enjoyed. And as they say, all press is good press…
Box office estimate: $300 million. And only because of the novel.
9. June 5: Land of the Lost
The trailer for Land of the Lost (a remake of a 1974 TV series) seems like a mix of Jurassic Park (1993), Indiana Jones and Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008). Nothing can go very wrong with dinosaurs, time machines and alternate universes. It looks like a silly but fun adventure comedy with appeal for younger audiences. Will Ferrell’s grown-up fans will also turn out.
Box office estimate: $300 million. This will be a major hit for kids, but won’t attract mature audiences.
8. August 7: G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Here’s a movie that’s not a sequel, but is meant to start a series (that is, if it’s successful enough). Like Transformers, this is based on a toy franchise, which also inspired a famous animated TV series and several computer games.
Director Stephen Sommers is mainly known for his special effects summer flicks like The Mummy (1999), The Mummy Returns (2001) and Van Helsing (2004). Seems like the right resumé for a good special effects action spectacle without too much philosophical mumbo-jumbo.
Box office estimate: $300 million. None of the actors are big stars, but the franchise is quite strong. In the hands of the right director, it could be the beginning of another summer blockbuster series.
7. May 8: Star Trek
Need I say - hype! Star Trek is one of the most successful franchises in movie and TV history, including (so far) 6 TV series and 10 movies. The franchise has a huge fan base who discuss, create, write and argue about it. Smells like success?
Well, trekkies are a large community, but in the last decade the charm has paled. Viewers have moved on to more updated space and sci-fi fare like Firefly (2002-2003) and Battlestar Galactica (2004+). The Star Trek movies of the late 90s and early 2000s became less and less profitable, until the last one in 2002 barely covered its budget.
Now J.J. Abrams comes to the rescue. The brilliant director who brought us Alias (2001-2006) and Lost (2004+) will, by the look of the trailer, bring us the same old characters, but in a sexier, slicker and more violent Star Trek. The fact that Paramount decided to postpone the film’s release from wintry December to blockbuster season has also built up expectations.
Box office estimate: $400 million. And just so you know, before I saw the trailer I didn’t give this more than $100 mil. I think that says it all.
6. May 22: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
The first Night at the Museum (2006) was by no means acclaimed, original or sophisticated in any way. Still, it was a huge blockbuster, thanks to its star-filled cast and the combination of comedy and clean family fun. Based on the trailer it seems nothing has changed in the sequel. The comedy is still on, educational values are already built in, and the all-star cast is now even bigger, including Ben Stiller, Amy Adams, Robin Williams, Owen Wilson, Jonah Hill, Ricky Gervais, Dick Van Dyke, Bill Hader and many more.
Box office estimate: $450 million. With such a stellar cast, this can only be a huge success or a major flop. And I bet children (in age or at heart) around the world will never tire of Stiller and Williams fooling around.
5. July 3: Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
More dinosaurs. Are they the comics heroes of 2009? This dinosaur-inspired film is the 3rd installment of the successful Ice Age series. The second movie, The Meltdown (2006) made almost twice as much money as the first one, which was a big hit in its own right. If we look at the numbers in mathematical sequence, the next movie should earn more than $900 million. Well, I don’t think that will happen, but still…
Box office estimate: $500 million. Manny, Sid and Scrat are well-loved among children and the trailer seems familiar enough to draw them to cinemas in hordes.
4. May 22: Terminator Salvation
Unlike some franchises in this list, which had ups and downs critically and at the box office, the Terminator series has held up. True, the third installment is not considered a masterpiece like its two predecessors (did anyone say James Cameron?), but it was still critically acclaimed. And all three made buckets of money…
Two key, controversial factors will drive this fourth installment. First, the story. It doesn’t repeat itself by focusing on the post-apocalypse. But by doing so, it abandons the shtick that made this franchise so successful - causing fans to worry that it will be just another apocalyptic war movie with decent special effects (and the trailers aren’t reassuring). Second, the actors. Arnold is out (well, sort of), Christian Bale is in. No fan dared to imagine this series without the star who made it and was made by it. Then again, Bale is the hottest guy around and already starred in this decade’s most successful movie, The Dark Knight. Will he break his amazing record (this time with no colleague dying unexpectedly?)…
Box office estimate: $600 million. Easily. If the movie lives up to expectations, maybe even more.
3. May 29: Up
In the last decade, Pixar’s lowest-grossing movie was Cars (2006) at “only” $461 million. The highest grossing was Finding Nemo (2003), at $864 million. So I think it’s safe to say that Up will be a big blockbuster. The colorful trailer indicates a movie that won’t be as original as Wall-E, but still reminds me of the magical, colorful worlds of Monsters, Inc. (2001) and Finding Nemo.
Box office estimate: $650 million. Because it seems destined for children, I predict this will make more money than most Pixar features, except perhaps Finding Nemo.
2. June 26: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Transformers (2007) was one of the most successful movies of summer 2007. Rest assured, Hollywood won’t forget such a potential cash cow. Not only is a sequel expected, but the third installment is already scheduled for 2011. With the same cast, same director, an even bigger budget and eye-popping special effects, the coming sequel has a good shot at being summer 2009’s highest grossing film. Shia LaBeouf, a relative newcomer in 2007, has since starred in Indiana Jones (2008) and established himself as one of the biggest contemporary stars. And Megan Fox… well, she’s still sexy.
Box office estimate: $650 million. The trailer doesn’t show much more than ships, airplanes and other objects exploding. But they explode in style. Some would say that’s all a summer blockbuster needs.
1. July 17: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
If one movie on this list is a sure bet, it’s this one. None of the other Harry Potter movies made less than $795 million. The book series is so incredibly popular that sometimes it seems like they could’ve just shot J.K. Rowling sitting and reading the book aloud, and made a fortune.
But not to worry, there’ll be nothing like reading aloud in this movie. The trailer features plenty of amazing special effects, along with a darker plot that suits the maturing Harry Potter audience. Director David Yates returns from the previous film, which was the darkest so far, along with the beloved cast and some new characters.
Box office estimate: $900 million. It’s Harry Potter, after all.
Think I left anything out? Suspect I forgot about the recession and the numbers here are completely inflated? Let us know in the comments!
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2. Forget the story and focus on the minute details. After I had accepted defeat in the Star Wars prequels, I began to take amusement elsewhere. For me, the phrase “I have a bad feeling about this” which appears in every Star Wars movie at least gave me a brief chuckle. For the Trekkers, try picking out the next random nondescript ensign on the away team that is sure to meet an early demise.
4. DVDs: After the initial shock of the cinematic catastrophe wears off, take refuge in the delight of your tried and true DVD collection. The Wrath of Kahn, First Contact, and even the stupid whale movie are sure to cheer you up.
6. Find something that doesn’t belong. We all know the Nebula Class Starship didn’t enter service for another 300 years. Prove your geeky mastery of the story and be the first to spot the ship in the lower left corner at 1:48:15 into the movie (I made that up).
8. Do not go to the movie dressed as a Klingon. The only thing that could make a terrible science fiction movie experience worse is the sight of a teary eyed Klingon with runny makeup.
10. Cut Spock some emotional slack. Remember he is half human. I would expect to see a young Spock accidentally demonstrate some emotional weakness because he has not yet learned to control his latent human emotions. Even pureblooded Vulcans are not entirely devoid of emotion. It took the civilization ages to develop their pragmatic outlook on life. Some leniency is in order and certainly not outside the confines of the existing storyline.
12. Resistance is futile. Admit it. No matter how much this movie might suck, you will buy the DVD and watch it another 100 times until you have memorized every bit of poorly written dialogue.
