Who will it be? The shy Messi or the arrogant Cristiano Ronaldo? The veteran Giggs or the young Iniesta? The rookie coach Guardiola or Fergie, the Scotsman who’s already seen it all? Who will lift the trophy on May 27th? Barcelona, who had their greatest football season ever, or Man Utd for the second year in a row? To celebrate the promising Champions League final between FCBarcelona and Manchester United, here are 10 things that must happen to make this game great – and 10 movies that exemplify this. (Note: Since I’m not American, I might be using football in this post to refer to soccer. With all due respect to football. And soccer.)

10. The players must perform spectacular and unexpected moves.

Shaolin Soccer (2001)

Hong Kong satirist Stephen Chow wrote, directed, and starred in this hilarious spoof of sports and kung fu movie cliches. Chow plays “Mighty Steel Leg” Sing, who can kick soda cans through walls. He’s a natural football star in the eyes of crippled coach Fung (Patrick Se Yin), who is looking to challenge his arch rival Hung, the captain of the aptly named Evil Team. After recruiting Sing and his goofy brothers, who all have names like Steel Head, Hook Kick Leg, and Weight Vest (with qualities to match), Hung’s team soon rises through the ranks via their supernatural kung fu football skills.

9. The fans must behave themselves and not shame their club and country.

Green Street Hooligans (2005)

Matt Buckner (Elijah Wood) travels to London after getting kicked out of Harvard. Ostensibly there to visit his sister, Matt instead forms an unlikely bond with her husband’s brother, Pete Dunham (Charlie Hunnam), who takes him to a football match to see his team, West Ham. At the game, the inevitable happens, and Matt’s initial trepidation at the violence swelling around him soon turns into a pulse-racing, visceral thrill. With his new taste for the hooligan life, Matt joins Pete’s “firm,” the Green Street Elite.

8. Your girlfriend (or boyfriend) must not give you a hard time for watching the game.

Fever Pitch (1997)

When Paul (Colin Firth), a middle-aged English teacher in Britain who nurses an obsession for the Arsenal football team, meets Sarah, a seemingly uptight young woman and single-minded professional, he is forced to drastically re-evaluate his life. Sarah loathes the sport, while Paul’s entire life is based on it - the only place in his life that allows him to feel true joy and pain, as well as a British national identity. Soon, Sarah is pregnant, and although she’s growing to enjoy football, she worries that Paul cares more for the sport than for the relationship and his impending fatherhood.

7. The players must use their heads and think: that’s how brilliant plays are created.

They don’t have to be Nietzsche or Plato, but a clever pass can break any defense. Here is a classic Monty Python bit: The philosophers’ football match.

6. There must be at least one goal (preferably 8).

Goal! (2005)

Santiago Munez (Kuno Becker) is an illegal Mexican immigrant living in Los Angeles when a former British professional, Glen Foy, spots him playing in a football game - and promises him a tryout for Newcastle United. So Santiago travels to England, and finds himself in a world where “football” is king, and “footballers” are gods. His path to football stardom is hard and paved with pitfalls. However, with the guidance of Glen, the love of a plucky and beautiful nurse (Anna Friel), and the unexpected support by Newcastle United’s playboy star Gavin Harris (Alessandro Nivola), Santiago finally finds himself in a position to score a pivotal goal and live his dream.

5. The players must play a fair game.

Mean Machine (2001)

This is a remake of The Longest Yard, Robert Aldrich’s 1974 Burt Reynolds prison tale about inmates who organize themselves into an (American) football team and compete against the guards. British director Barry Skolnick pulls together a ruthlessly funny cast and changes the resident sport to football (soccer). The leader of the prisoners (Vinnie Jones) is a former star who is asked by the warden to coach a team of prison guards. Instead, he offers to put together a team of inmates, who will be able to scrimmage with the guards’ team.

4. There must be a lot of kicking (towards the goal and not at each others’ legs), and screaming (because the game is very exciting).

Kicking and Screaming (2005)

Funny man Will Ferrell’s humorous man-child antics meet actual kids in this football comedy. As vitamin salesman Phil Weston, Farrell’s a sensitive man easily capable of both crying and sewing. Unfortunately, none of these qualities endear him to his tough-as-nails father, Buck (Robert Duvall), who goes so far as to trade Phil’s 10-year-old son - his own grandson - from the youth team he coaches to the last-place team, the Tigers. When the Tigers’ coach leaves, putting the season on the line, an inexperienced Phil steps in to helm his son’s new team. With help from Buck’s neighbor and rival, real-life football coach Mike Ditka - hilariously playing himself - the Tigers turn their season around.

3. The good guys must win.

Victory (1981)

A group of POWs at a German prison camp are set to compete against Nazi Germany’s best football team in this World War II drama set in 1943 occupied Europe. The Nazi offers don’t realize that the POWs plan to use the upcoming big game as a means of escaping… The Allied team includes John Colby, a British officer who played football before the war, and Robert Hatch, an American soldier who cares far more about gaining his freedom than the game itself. When the POWs realize they have a good shot at beating the Nazi team in front of a huge crowd, they must decide what’s more important: finishing the match or getting out alive.

2. The game must be as unforgettable as the world cup final of sixty six.

Sixty Six (2006)

Bernie Rubens is a nerdy 12-year-old preparing for his Bar Mitzvah, which he wants to be a huge, ornate affair. However, his parents, Manny (Eddie Marsan) and Esther (Helena Bonham Carter), have accidentally scheduled it for the day of the 1966 World Cup final, so if England makes it, no one is expected to show for Bernie’s big day. As England surprisingly starts playing better, Bernie begins rooting for his home team to lose.

1. One player must rise above the rest to give the performance of a lifetime.

Didier (1997)

Who can forget Ronaldo’s (not Cristiano, but the one and only Brazilian, Ronaldo Luis Nazario De Lima) hat-trick at Old Trafford, Zidan’s performance at the world cup final of 1998, or Maradona’s “hand of god” game against England in 1986? It’s always great to see one player rise above the rest. In the silly French comedy Didier, a dog turns into a man, and displays amazing football skills:

As the writer I am supposed to remain objective. So good luck to both teams, and may the best one win…

And remember: football is also about the coach (Mike Bassett: England Manager), is not just for men, and mostly is… magic! (There’s only one Jimmy Grimble).

P.S. Special thanks to Roi (it was his idea to write something for the C.L), Sonino (if he wasn’t so inflexible he would have played for Liverpool today), and Ilya (a wonderful defender).

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