When Terminator was playing in theaters, I was 11 - and curious the way 11-year-olds can be. That is, master at asking “Why?” If I’d known curiosity isn’t only dangerous for cats, maybe I could have avoided the life-changing experience that going to see Terminator turned out to be.

On the way out of the movie, I asked my father: “If Kyle is actually John’s father, and Kyle got to meet Sarah only because John sent him to earth to save him… then why does John exist in the future?”

Paradox!

Worse, I then learned for the first time that my father didn’t know everything. He couldn’t explain the paradox! My life changed forever, and that was coming-of-age for me. Couldn’t it at least have waited until the official coming-of-age at my Bar Mitzvah? Two years of innocence down the drain.

Looking back, I can see that I was fascinated by time travel since early childhood - and I’m not even a real sci-fi geek. It’s a theme of some of my favorite movies, shows and even authors (I admit, every now and then I read).

What if…. I’m living in the wrong time, or in an alternative reality to the one I should be in? Maybe that’s why I like Back to the Future 2 and not just 1…?

To try to reach some kind of closure, here are some of the major cinematic Time Travel paradoxes with my best excuses. Skip to the end for my suggested Time Travel guidelines.

9. The Time Tunnel (1966)

For me it all began with this series.

As a kid (1980 or so), I faked sick just to stay home and watch TV - and this was one of my favorites (tied with a show about a speaking barrel with a broom as a mustache, who was friends with a twenty-something girl dressed as a little boy. Yes, it’s real).

Time Tunnel is about two scientists. Tony left alone on a time-traveling mission, and Doug went after to bring him back. They moved between different time periods without any apparent rules. And each time, their lab colleagues had to locate them from scratch.

Even as a little kid, I asked myself, Why do they travel through time if they can’t change history or the future?

I guess the creators of later movies agreed and altered the rules of time travel, although TV shows strangely held to this logic…

The Paradox: Why the problems bringing them both back? Doug got back alone, and he also got to Tony’s time. Plus the lab guys brought others back to the present. Millions of lesser issues add to the confusion…

My Excuse: They didn’t have any trouble coming back. It was all a conspiracy to teach me history (and futurology) even when I was home and terribly sick…

8. Quantum Leap (1989)

Twenty-three years after Time Tunnel, they still couldn’t think of something original. Yet I was hooked again. And the same nagging questions remained.

There’s a new pair of scientists, Sam and Al. Sam leaps into a time machine and starts traveling endlessly through time, without being able to return or alter history. Sounds familiar?

This time, Al doesn’t leap after him, but instead is a hologram accompanying him. He can only help morally and logically, not physically. Also, Sam inhabits the body and identity of a character from the past. He has to help that character get through a crisis or achieve something, and only then can he leap on to help another character. They’re aided on their mission by Ziggy the supercomputer.

Here’s a clip.

The Paradox: So few logical issues were solved – luckily some humor was involved. True, Al seems like a stoned buddy trying to help a friend in distress, but why can’t a supercomputer get Sam back?

My Excuse: I think Al wasn’t the only one stoned during the show. Holograms? A chief programmer called Gushy? A supercomputer named Ziggy connected to a walkie talkie with colorful blinking lights and funny beeps that doesn’t work half the time?

People, no wonder you didn’t make it to season 6! Time paradox is not to be handled so lightly.

7. Back to the Future Trilogy (1985, 1989, 1990)

Who hasn’t fantasized about going back in time with a list of all sports events’ results and betting on them (winning lottery numbers would also do)…?

Back to the Future is, I think, the most beloved and relatively logical attempt at time travel and alternative realities. (And we have, as Monte Williams points out in PopMatters, nearly arrived at the “impossibly distant future year that Marty McFly visited in Back to the Future II” it depicted.)  Though it has its share of inconsistencies. At least here, the theory is that messing with the past can alter the present or future - backed with some severe scientific justifications and warnings:

The Paradox: There are many. But the movie is so much fun - and you can see that nobody involved took themselves, or the plot, too seriously. So who cares?

But if you insist, than let’s start by saying that driving 88MPH doesn’t get you to travel through time. I checked, although not with a deLorian (it does, however, improve your chances of visiting the nearest hospital or police station).

Then, there is no real explanation for how the future events that trigger the second film relate to the events in the first film.

And besides, how did Doc managed to build a time-traveling train back at the 19th century?

My Excuse: Anyway, most of events are logical, altering events have their (amusing) effects, and Clint Eastwood never looked more intimidating….

6. 12 Monkeys (1995)

Bruce Willis plays, typically, a (nearly) one-man-army. James Cole is sent from apocalyptic 2035 to still-peaceful 1990 and 1996, to prevent the catastrophe from happening…

The Paradox: For starters, what about the fact that because of James Cole’s past self, the future people know about the anarchistic group of the twelve monkeys? How did they know about that in the future before sending him?

Spoiler Alert: The finale really left me gaping. The young James watches his older self get killed. What?? At first it all seems to make sense. The theory is that events are inevitable, and are looped again and again. But then, if James keeps growing up with this memory, getting sent to the past and killed, then the first time the loop starts from the future part, or else little James needs to grow up at least once without remembering that scenario. It’s like the chicken and the egg. Maybe the chicken was also sent back in time…

My Excuse: The whole movie is actually a delusion in the mind of Terry Gilliam; they just cut the last scene where he wakes up. Being British, a Monty Python veteran, and inhaler of LSD instead of O2 for many years (if not until today, see Tideland), no one other than himself need or can understand these delusions. But hey, at least we got to see Willis and Brad Pitt in one of their last great acts, before their spouses messed their careers.

5. Butterfly Effect (2004)

Did you notice that no matter how ludicrous the plot, when it comes to time travel and alternative realities, viewers may embrace almost any scenario?

Here, Ashton Kutcher decided to make about 10 movies at once. Or in other words, his character suffers from disastrous blackouts, and when he reads his journal he can jump into the past, each time doing things differently and causing the reality of his life to change again and again (and his limbs to drop along the way…). That is, until he identifies one formative event, and alters it to improve everyone’s lives – despite the personal sacrifice involved.

The Paradox: What the hell were they thinking when they made this film? And what does time travel or journey to alternative realities have to do with nose bleeding?

My Excuse: They were probably distracted by the $100 million they expected to make worldwide, and by the sequel… As for the bleeding, it’s nothing comparing to the side effects the next flick envisions for the reckless traveler…

Here’s a more reasonable demonstration (at least compared to the movie) of a butterfly effect:

Or even this one.

4. Timeline (2003)

Now I have a lot of admiration for the late Michael Crichton. I appreciate his books and attempts at accuracy, coherence, and logic. Timeline, however, wasn’t one of his best, to put it mildly. But he was on a roll then, with many of his books adapted to the big screen, so this one wasn’t excluded. Fiasco ensued. The movie didn’t come close to covering its over-the-top budget. Still, his simple idea does make more sense more than most of the ideas in this list.

Spoiler Alert: A professor accidentally finds himself in the past and places a distress message in a place where he knows his students are doing an archeological dig. Timing is everything: The professor needs the group to find his message by a certain time, or he dies. That is one major gamble. They find it, go back in time, and save him. Sorry about the spoiler, but it’s not a major one. And seriously, better read the book (if at all).

The Paradox: Why were the rescuers limited to a six-hour window to get back to present? One of the characters was even smart enough to comment on this in the movie:

Also – time travel damages internal organs? What does it cause, appendicitis? Indigestion??

My Excuse: Aside from the possible future organ donation issues, and the unnecessary race against time, history was altered a bit in this story - but overall stayed pretty much the same. Let’s assume that minor changes like a lady saved from hanging who marries a guy from the future (present) yet decides to stay in the past causes no butterfly effect….

3. Bill & Ted’s Double Feature (1989, 1991)

Probably inspired by Back to the Future (compare Bogus Journey to the futuristic part of BTTF 2), and influencing in turn all future time travel adventures (well, maybe not), Bill & Ted brought a fresh perspective. Fresh as in silly and hilarious.

In order to pass their history exam and so keep the future utopian society unharmed, two dimwit slackers go back in a fancy time machine (a phone booth) and return with famous historical characters like Napoleon, Billy the Kid, Abraham Lincoln, and Socrates, to participate in their class presentation. Great idea, right?

The Paradox: In both films, disorder rules. Characters meet themselves in different times, past figures appear in the present (some even stay, like the buddies’ girlfriends)… and not only does all this not ruin anything, it keeps the future intact.

My Excuse: Freezing your brain before watching the movie might help. Better yet, if you can get your hands on a time machine (DeLorian, Phone Booth, whatever), leap to the late 80s or early 90s and watch the film then, it’ll be less embarrassing. Here’s why:

2. Lost – Season 5, Episode 11 – Whatever Happened, Happened (2009)

I’m a Lost addict, though I recognize it should have ended before the third season. But it didn’t, and so we got the mother of all time-travel paradoxes.

Before this season, I guess the producers were pressed to explain moving islands (!) And they clearly favor the most bizarre, ludicrous, and totally unbelievable plot twist possible… So in a bold not to mention arrogant move, they gave us Flashdance – the Lost version.

The Paradox: In the first episodes of the season, white flashes signifying time shifts happened so often, it’s amazing the writers could follow it. Along with the “water-girl,” they probably hired a time-travel-girl to keep a log. So now we have a bunch of new plot holes to deal with. Some people move through time, some don’t. Some disappear when time shifts, others stay in place while their surrounding changes. Some stay the same age, some don’t. Ben gets shot by Said, but in the former present he doesn’t remember this when he meets Said. Miles claims no changes can be made to the events, while in the new present, the “others” camp is abandoned, and a picture with Sawyer and Hurley from the 70s exists.

To preempt criticism, the writers made fun of themselves, in what I must say is a hilarious tribute to one of the modern classics of time paradox, Back to the Future.

My Excuse: I’m with Hurley. But hey, no mortal can understand, let alone explain, Lost. Maybe Deep Blue… Trusting the time-travel-girl won’t help: see what happens when the supernaturalist character, Miles, tries to explain the paradox:

By the way, Lost’s 13th episode (Miles’s story) so far proves that seeing yourself in a different time doesn’t cause the world to explode (just maybe airplanes to crash…).

1. Terminator Franchise (1984, 1991, 2003, 2009):

Back to where we started…

A lot can be said about paradoxes in this series. Other than the questions I had at age 11, there is the issue of the Terminator’s arm from the end of the first movie. According to the second movie, this is what jumpstarted Skynet, which eventually resulted in doomsday. But wasn’t the Terminator sent only after doomsday happened?

The news about Terminator 4 is that there will be no more Terminators coming from the future to stop John Connor. That was the main shtick of the series, and indeed I think this lemon has no more juice in it. Instead, the future the movie shows is not the future that we expected. At least this is what the first teaser trailer promised us:

Looks intriguing. I hope this dimension will make Terminator 4 more than just another well-made apocalyptic action flick, even minus the director’s original “jet-black,” bleak and controversial ending. What’s safe to assume is that more paradoxical plot twists will be added to the series. And you know what, bring them on!

To sum up, I suggest the following Guidelines for Time Travel scenarios:

1. No traveling for children under 18 without an adult companion.
2. No traveling to events during one’s lifetime.
3. No changes to past events, especially major historical ones (including assassinations and nuclear holocausts) and no bringing of past characters to present.
4. No gambling.
5. No body snatching.
6. No stupid gadgets to communicate with the present. Just time travel adjusted GSM technology. And make sure communication with the present works at all times.
7. No weapons allowed.
8. Use GPS.
9. Use traveling devices that are waste-fueled only, unused, and have no expiration date.
10. Wear a helmet and take a sweater, umbrella and pills against internal organ aches, or whatever…

11. You can mess up the future as much as you like, it didn’t happen yet…

And here’s a treat for dessert:

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Jack Gamble AKA Man Overboard is a nuclear systems engineer by day and renegade geek by night.  He blogs loudly at www.babeled.com.

I am a Star Wars fan. Face it Trekkers, we’ve had our differences over the years.  But I feel a moral obligation to warn you of an impending disaster.  I cannot sit idly by as yet another travesty of a prequel decimates an established science fiction storyline.  And so I have traveled across the cosmos from my home planet of Babeled to bring fair warning of yet another science fiction prequel destined for failure.

As a diehard fan of the original Star Wars trilogy, one can only venture a guess as to the suffering I endured at the hands of George Lucas and his unrelenting campaign of sub par storyline, excess CGI, and unbridled merchandising.  I have no desire to see my Trekker brethren succumb to the same onslaught.

So get out your duct tape and plastic.  Stock up on canned goods and bottled water.  Replace your power couplings and raise shields.  Above all, heed my advice.  Follow these 12 easy steps to survive disaster; from one sci fi geek to another:

1. Keep your standards low.  You’ve been spoiled all these years.  Face it, nothing on the screen will satisfy the expectations you’ve set.  Try this: go into the movie expecting a flop.  This way you won’t be disappointed.   Who knows, the movie might surprise you.

2. Forget the story and focus on the minute details.  After I had accepted defeat in the Star Wars prequels, I began to take amusement elsewhere.  For me, the phrase “I have a bad feeling about this” which appears in every Star Wars movie at least gave me a brief chuckle.  For the Trekkers, try picking out the next random nondescript ensign on the away team that is sure to meet an early demise.

3. Ignore any and all floppy eared, grammatically challenged, clumsy aliens that are clearly a pathetic attempt at mass merchandising only to fail miserably and be forced into early retirement with only brief cameos in subsequent films.  No loyal fan should be made to suffer such blasphemy.

4. DVDs:  After the initial shock of the cinematic catastrophe wears off, take refuge in the delight of your tried and true DVD collection.  The Wrath of Kahn, First Contact, and even the stupid whale movie are sure to cheer you up.

5. Go back in time and kill the director.  I mean come on.  If there is one thing that happens over and over again in Star Trek it is temporal anomalies.  Surely you’ve learned something by now.  Pull a slingshot around the sun or bounce off a worm hole at warp 10 and correct this potential mistake.

6. Find something that doesn’t belong.  We all know the Nebula Class Starship didn’t enter service for another 300 years.  Prove your geeky mastery of the story and be the first to spot the ship in the lower left corner at 1:48:15 into the movie (I made that up).

7. Don’t act surprised when a cheaply written time travel plot twist occurs.  Come now, this is Star Trek after all.  You can’t honestly tell me you were expecting the writers to ignore their favorite crutch.

8. Do not go to the movie dressed as a Klingon. The only thing that could make a terrible science fiction movie experience worse is the sight of a teary eyed Klingon with runny makeup.

9. Don’t be upset by seemingly advanced technology in a prequel.  I can’t tell you how annoyed I was when people told me The Phantom Menace should not have featured Darth Maul’s double-bladed light saber because it appeared to be “more advanced.”  The new Trek movie is a modern take on a 40-year-old series.  Unless you want to see 1966 special effects, I would not dwell on this issue.

10. Cut Spock some emotional slack.  Remember he is half human.  I would expect to see a young Spock accidentally demonstrate some emotional weakness because he has not yet learned to control his latent human emotions.  Even pureblooded Vulcans are not entirely devoid of emotion.  It took the civilization ages to develop their pragmatic outlook on life.  Some leniency is in order and certainly not outside the confines of the existing storyline.

11. Remember, it could be worse. At the very least I would not expect the writers of this movie to attempt to make some kind of off the wall geopolitical message about saving the whales.  Nor would I expect Spock’s half-Clinton brother to show up and start feeling everybody’s pain.

12. Resistance is futile.  Admit it.  No matter how much this movie might suck, you will buy the DVD and watch it another 100 times until you have memorized every bit of poorly written dialogue.

Images used in post published under the CC license

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